Sarah Says: Love Your Mother

this is sarah:

sarah is a totally lovely person, and i am lucky to have her as a friend. however, there is this one thing....sarah is the kind of socially responsible person who has a higher degree in do-gooding:

and because of that, just looking at her stupid, adorable face is forcing me to be a good environmental citizen. so...no more delicious, unsustainable tuna:

but good news! it turns out canned salmon actually works out great AND is relatively sustainable:

we did it!

Behind in the Polls

super bad luck. it turns out that i have this luck counter on my blog:

and it's severely outdated:

this means that i either have to manually update it, take it down, or outsource it to someone who is not-me. shall we take a vote?

yes, yes we shall. cast away!

Good and Bad Luck Texas

well, we did it, we high tailed it out of new york and made our way to austin:

no more winter:

no more being packed into the subway:

no more endless staircases when stupid elevators are out of order:

but on the other hand....no more hobnobbing with my famous peeps:

no more walking around all of the time and making money off of it:

and no more friends:

i guess it is now time to begin the campaign to move everyone* to austin!


*everyone i like. many people will tell you that the campaign to move everyone in the world to austin is well underway. 

(un)Original Recipe

cabana man and i thought we were being so clever with the naming of our child. we looked at the graphs of popular names:

we consulted the social security office:

and we picked a name that we thought sounded distinguished, but unique:

we did it.

except...

THERE IS ANOTHER PERSON NAMED CABANA BABY!*

not only that, but even his middle initial is the same:

the worst part is, it was facebook that told me. if i'd done even a basic search before naming this kid, i would have found out the truth.


*don't be crazy, his name isn't really cabana baby. probably.

Betrayal, Most Foul

i'll just come out and say it:

I HAVE NO JAYANNA!

and while we're at it, I HAVE NO BROTHER, EITHER!

why? why, you ask?! those jerkwads went to see louis c.k. even though they know about my longstanding feud with him:

and because of their insolence, the entire tristate area will now suffer a crippling blizzard. such is my wrath!

Agua Teen Thirsty Force

this is so sad, i can hardly talk about it, but here it goes....

my favorite water bottle is lost forever:

i now have to use my other water bottle:

the one i hurt my lip on:

and end up dumping water in my face from:

that's if i can even get it open:

and i couldn't POSSIBLY get a replacement water bottle! that was the only one!

i'm sad now.

Such Great Heights

let's just cut right to it. i got stuck in an elevator:

with the baby:

when we got out, instead of being on the fifth floor--as i intended--we were on the first floor, and i had to walk up several flights of stairs so as not to get stuck in the elevator again:

everything is the worst.