Cannonballs

this past week, i met c.b.'s entire family. considering there are about fifteen million of them,* this was quite the overwhelming prospect:

guest artwork by c.b. (pictured in the middle)

luckily, i really liked them, and they seemed not to hate me entirely. it was totally worth the trip out west to finally get to know them a bit. but--as you may know--flying is really expensive this time of year, and in order not to have to spend the most money ever, we had to get the red eye back home:

this is not very lucky. even worse, due to some sort of soap opera-like weather happening back east, our flight was delayed about an hour and a half, which really sucks because since we flew out of san jose, there is NOTHING TO DO IN THE AIRPORT:

also, apparently, i forgot to pre-pick our seats for the flight. we not only sat apart from each other, but we were both in middle seats...ON THE RED EYE:

it was not a very lucky travel day. when we landed at 8 this morning, my body was shaking from tired, but too much to do in the day to sleep it off. i guess the silver lining is that delirium gives life a hallucinogenic quality:

hurray?

*actual family member number: 9

Ikea? Youkea!

when i was maybe seven or eight, i got to the middle of a tootsie pop only to find it tragically hollow:

i wrote a lovely but stern letter to the tootsie roll company, explaining the deep betrayal i'd experienced, and let them know that i wasn't sure our relationship could bounce back from the worst thing that ever happened to anyone ever:

they sent me an envelope with nothing but a coupon for $1.00 off my next tootsie roll purchase over $5.00, no letter, no note of apology, just this:

when i received a gift certificate in the mail from ikea the other day, i suffered an awful flashback to that terrible time:

after all that ikea did to me, the HOURS of anguish, they try to buy me off with $25? do they not understand that it would cost me so much more than that just to get to an ikea? i hate them!

The Mayan Prediction

many of you probably woke up today and noticed that the world didn't end last night. (i can't think of a good visual for this, so here is a picture of two otters holding hands):

well, you are WRONG! i mean, you're not wrong, exactly, but you aren't right, either. my world DEFINITELY* came to an end yesterday, just as predicted:

what tragic thing befell me, you ask? well, i'll tell you! super high winds came gusting into my kitchen window, knocking the commemorative kansas plate that special lady kt gave me onto the floor and into three pieces:

it was awful. AWFUL!! and clearly this is what the mayans were talking about when they predicted the end of the world all of those years ago.

the only solace (and also a bit of good luck, especially given the timing of it) was that i got something really awesome in the mail from special lady kt! she sent me a puzzle of my hometown:

i don't know how she did it, but she knew that something kansas would meet its horrendous end today. apparently, she is in sync with the mayans:

and to make things even better, c.b. magically mended** the plate, so now i have both. yeah!!

*figuratively
**glued

Jambalaya Toe Jam

here is a good luck: after my toe surgery two summers ago, i have flexibility in my left great toe again:

here is a bad luck: i don't have an excuse to not wear heels any more:

so when i went to the mardi gras-themed work holiday party last night, i HAD to wear heels. the good news is that my great toes were...well, they were great! happy as little clams in their shells:

the bad news is that i'm not used to wearing heels, so today my poor fat little legs hurt so badly! if i wanted to have legs that hurt, i'd work out sometime. no thanks!

Kick the Money Up, Kick the Money Down

today i went onto wikipedia and saw that they were fundraising:

it made me realize that i'm pretty lucky. i'm lucky to have enough money to donate some of it, and i'm lucky that in my non-non-profit (read: for profit) job, i don't have to struggle with whether or not i will have a job tomorrow or the next day.* so, i donated $50:

at that moment, i felt even luckier (read: pleased with myself) that i work for a company that matches my donations. so i went through the motions to get that extra contribution, and i was able to send $50 more dollars their way. which made me feel REALLY good. like the true hero that i am:

lucky, all around! well, then--by chance--i decided to open an email from cards against humanity. it tells us all about the special holiday packs and what they decided to do with the profits from said packs. wanna guess what they did? yuh, they decided to donate it to wikipedia:

this completely dwarfs my contribution!  thanks a lot cards against humanity. now i can't feel smug about my drop in the bucket:

i've just donated for NO REASON! maybe if i explain my situation, they'll give me my money back? i'll check it out.

Sun-Punch Love

we have this awesome apartment--which i've clearly not mentioned enough--but even our little paradise has its problems. for instance, our huge picturesque windows let in so much light in the morning, it's impossible to sleep:

i'm a light sleeper, anyway so this sucks if i want to sleep in past 6 am (and only that late because it's winter). i know what you're thinking. why don't you wear an eye mask?

well, smart ass, it's because eye masks don't really work. also, they make my eyes all blurry in the morning, put pressure on my temples, and my princess head gets all achey. so, no, eye masks aren't a real solution:

yeesh. ANYWAY, my sister has these awesome light blocking blinds, so i decided to order some:

sandy kept them from coming in at a reasonable time. and then when they arrived, they didn't really block out much light:

turns out, i got the wrong ones. <frowny face>

BUT, the good folks at justblinds.com were SO sweet about it! they helped me order new blinds of the correct sort, even though they had no reason to do so. additionally, they gave me a major discount just because one of them mentioned that they would try to do so (even though it turns out the blinds i ordered weren't on sale). and--being jewish--i of COURSE couldn't get enough of that!

now, i'll be able to sleep through the early morning light:

unless charlie won't stop barking at the door (which doesn't seem likely).

Such Great Heights

living on the top floor generally rocks:

unfortunately, our elevator is out all week this week:

which means that all of us fatties are going to have to climb so many stairs:

i'm sad now.

Ground Control to Major Tom

really great news, you guys. we're moving!

no, not c.b. and i, all of us!

i was watching this program on the national geographic channel, and it was telling me about how we're going to terraform mars, pack up our bags and shoot off into space:

now, they may have mentioned something about hundreds of thousands of years in the interim, but now that we have the key to immortal life, i'm pretty sure that i'm going to live that long:

i'll see y'all there!

The Most Terrifying Thing

OUR COFFEE TABLE CAME!!!

we didn't have to fight with a delivery company, call and stay on hold with anyone, or return something broken. it just...showed up!

even better, since i'm in california (feeling much, much better, thank you for asking), i didn't even have to wait for it, c.b. did! (i'm going to get him so many lizards!)

sure, charlie might be a teensy bit terrified by it at the moment. but she's VERY brave, so i'm sure she'll get over it...someday....

Hackathon

bad luck: i'm sick and i'm in california. totally sucks! i can't sleep well because my throat is sore. i can't eat much because my throat is sore. and i can't go home because i'm sick.

i tried to make an appointment at the clinic here, but they are closed for a workshop or some such nonsense. 

if that weren't bad enough, i'm making less sense than normal. for instance:

i'm actually so not-feeling-well that i can't even bring myself to spend hours doctoring images from the web with a cartoon version of myself. so instead, here is a picture of a fennec fox:

 
 also, i'm tired. if someone wants to make it better, feel free to do so.

Particle Board and the $99

to be like peggy hill for a moment:

let me just say: it is my opinion that cheap furniture is not made to last. i know! i'm the first person to realize that! it's just that after living a semi-nomadic lifestyle for a number of years, and having all of my (cheap) furniture break so frequently, i realized that replacing it all of the time really adds up. and now that saph doesn't live here and can't ruin everything i own as often:

i have started getting nicer stuff. nothing crazy, but you know, solid pieces:

but the thing is, i don't have infinite funds. so when it became apparent that it would take a number of years to truly deck out the palatial estate with the finest furnishings, i broke down and hopped on ikea online:

and because everyone knows that going to ikea destroys relationships, we decided to have some stuff shipped:

so, i ordered, and we prepared to wait. we knew it would take a couple of weeks to arrive, no big deal:

when we got word that our stuff would be delivered, we actually got two notifications. this was not totally unexpected because we actually had two different order numbers. however, each was showing a different delivery time window (on the same day). as the windows were several hours long, and i didn't want to sit at home all day waiting, i decided to call the company:

to be perfectly honest, c.b. called first and was assured that it would be delivered together, but he was NOT told at what time that might take place. so, i called back, and the person i talked to basically said that no one had written down that they'd be delivered together (bear in mind, these phone calls were literally minutes apart). she then went on to tell me that the orders were on two separate trucks:

i repeated my concern about being at home all day, and delivery company person listened, then put me on hold. five minutes.

ten minutes:

and we were disconnected. i called back yet ANOTHER time, and this person said she'd consolidate the order. she gave me a new window directly in between the two, and we bade each other well.

i had my reservations about trusting this would actually work. i mean, as far as i could tell, all she did was put in a new time window. but i'm trying to be less controlling. also, i had no desire to call a fourth time, so i decided to wait it out. sure enough, next day, two separate orders several hours apart.  (even though the boxes on one order clearly stated multiple deliveries.)

that's not even the annoying part! but since this post is so long, and i'm already bored of it, i will consolidate the rest...

there was a ruined piece:


we had to call several times to get a replacement sent:

we had to wait MORE weeks to get the replacement piece:

replacement piece was ALSO broken:

and anna didn't even offer us an apology:

at which point, i gave up. clearly, this was a luckless venture, and i decided to wash my hands of it:

c.b. is taking care of it, i'll let you know how it all turns out, but unless it's with a handwritten note of apology from ikea, i can't imagine that i'll be very stoked to buy from them any time soon.